Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Jealous of My Best Friend - I Must Be Nuts

I have some of the best friends in the world. They are loyal and fun and they totally understand me. Sometimes better than I understand myself. And yes -- they know where all the bodies are buried.

Lately, I have been feeling jealous of B, the younger of my closest two best friends. B is a wonderful person. She can cook anything, dance great, and is like an encyclopedia of wierd knowledge. She's lost a ton of weight due to a medication change and hard work. She's always had flair. B is one of those women who seem to pull together the best outfits. She just knows how to make it work. And lately I feel inadequate and awkward when I'm out with her. She looks sensational and I feel like a blob next to her. My clothes aren't right, my hair's too big, I don't have on enough make-up or the right kind of make-up. It's not just looks. She seems to exude a confidence, whereas mine has disappeared.

Plus, I feel replaced in some ways by her. An old friend of mine, W, moved out here to DC about four years ago. W and I dated in college, before he came out. After he came out, we became thick as thieves and spent a ton of time together. I introducted him to B when he moved to D.C. because I didn't want him to be alone out here. And since then, B and W have been thicker than thieves. They go out every weekend to the gay bars. She loves to go out. They go out until 3 or 4 a.m. to the bars in downtown D.C. In college, I knew the local gay bar in our small Midwestern town so well that the bartender expected kisses when I came. I never paid cover and rarely paid for drinks. Now, I just don't feel like going out as much. I go a few times a year. But, I feel like she's in my place or spot in the group. It's wierd. W is such a great friend. He sensed some of my anxiety and even went as far to tell me that B would never replace me in his heart. So, I know I'm still there. It's insane to feel this way.

On top of this I feel like a jerk for being jealous. She has always been attractive. But, between the clothes, the weight loss, and her hair, she always looks amazing. I am glad for her. But, I feel at a loss sometimes for how to make myself feel better without downgrading her. Maybe she's growing into her looks and I'm growing out of mine.

I think the real problem is that I have not been feeling real attractive lately. I haven't had a serious relationship in three years. The last guy I fell for ended up being bisexual and our moment just seemed to pass over us. I am the oldest, umarried, non-child-producing grandchild on my mother's side of the family (and there is over 40 of us). So, it's not so much her, but me.

Even though I've been seeing J for about two months, he really isn't helping in this area. He never comments on the way I look or even looks at me that special way. (He looks, but he doesn't lear -- I'm not sure how to explain it.) He doesn't seem too interested in my body. I don't need a man to feel attractive. But, it certainly helps. I am hoping that this doesn't mean he doesn't find me attractive. But, it is enough to bring out my inner insecurities. Two months - no flowers, no presents, no "You look beautiful tonight." What's a girl to do?

So, now it's almost Christmas. We haven't been dating that long, but I'd like to get him something. General consensus among friends is that I should buy something that costs around $35. That's a fair amount -- shows I care, but it doesn't break the bank. I am not sure if I should warn him. I hinted yesterday that he was getting some gifts this weekend, referring mostly to the fact that I am planning a surprise date with him. He doesn't know what we are doing. And to be honest, I am not sure myself.

I would never say anything to B about what I am feeling because it's not her deal, but mine. I'm going to work on making myself feel more attractive and maybe that will help. Maybe some new clothes will help my attitude.

I know I need to make myself feel better, that noone can do it for me. I will have to spend some time thinking about this.


At 10:26 AM EST, Blogger Chloe's Passion said...

I know exactly how you feel! I have been dealing with this since my best friend and I started speaking! But it does get better. At some point last year, she started to notice things about me that she was envious of. It felt good to have the positions reversed. Hang in there and it will all work out and you will stop feeling the things you are currently feeling.


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