Friday, March 04, 2005

Fish or Cut Bait?

You know that feeling that comes with starting a new relationship? Everything about him is new and interesting. Every date provides a small piece of what seems like the largest jigsaw puzzle in the world. When you are still searching out the secrets to how he ticks. You haven't met his parents or many friends yet, so you really are in your own little world together. You smile just thinking of him, yet still puzzle over what he says or does. What did he mean by that? You can't read his face yet, so you have to look a bit harder than normal. You just want to eat and breathe him. It's the euphoria of a new relationship, the beginning of the beginning.

Well, I'm nearing the end of the beginning.

Most men would have no idea what that means. Specifically, we are reaching that place/time in the relationship when I must make a decision. You can wallow in the euphoria oblivious to the outside world for only so long. And when you're my age and you think you may want children someday, you need to fish or cut bait at about 4 to 6 months.

Well, it's been four months. I am definitely feeling a need to make a decision. I feel like something is supposed to happen. I can't afford to waste time on a relationship that is going nowhere. While I don't quite feel the clock ticking, I do know where the clock sits. I feel like if I lean just a little further forward, I'll hear my first tick.

Now, I'm not saying I want to definitely marry this guy, but I know I definitely don't want to NOT marry this guy. Make sense?

Basically, I'm like J. alot. I may even be falling for this guy. I enjoy him so much more than I ever thought I would. I've blogged about him before. He's great. He's nice, funny, has a great job that he loves, and he treats me well. He does the funniest accents and makes me laugh. He's a bit older than me, turning 40 this month.

He is very similar to my father. I've heard that most people end up with someone like one of their parents. How you ask? He's a bit gruff - not anywhere close to a metrosexual. He wears the flannel shirt. He doesn't like to talk about emotional stuff. He is also very easy to please - no strong preferences on most things in life.

So, what the problem?

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he is the one and he's not what I had envisioned for myself. I want someone who openly adores me. I know he likes me, but he doesn't adore me -- there's no whispers of "you look beautiful today" or "you are one sexy woman." There are no spur of the moment flowers. There aren't even special occasion flowers. I have to lead in some areas of our relationship or they just wouldn't happen.

I am afraid of spending my life with someone who really doesn't love me, but just likes me well enough. I don't want to be another "no strong preference one way or another." I fear waking up 30 years from now with an old man with zero sex drive, who wants to spend all his time tinkering in his workshop, never talking to his wife.

Will I still think his accents are cute? Will I grow to resent never seeing my husband on Saturday afternoons every fall for 30 years because college football is on? Will it bother me that he has no strong preferences for most things in life?

I don't know. And I don't know if I have to know right now. I'm just beginning to panic slightly. I feel myself holding back from letting him know how I truly feel.

While we have been seeing each other steadily, I haven't met many of his friends and we've only gone out with my friends once. So, I haven't seen much of him in his natural setting. We went to a party at one friend's house just a few weeks ago. It was good. It was also very interesting to see how he acted in this situation.

Well, I've read and re-read this post over several days. Last week he was on travel for two days and I missed him. When I don't talk to him, I find myself just longing for his voice. When I hear his ring on my cell, I smile just knowing its him.

I do love him. There's no denying that. The rest I'll just have to figure out later...


At 5:28 AM EST, Blogger Katya said...

that sounds like my relationship with my husband down to a tee...but I wouldn't be without him, he isn't who i envisaged being with either, but it works...just listen to your heart...

At 8:27 AM EST, Blogger Jay said...

I don't get flowers, but I don't doubt for a second that I am completely adored.
I know you're at a difficult stage, and it's hard to walk away when you're starting to feel so comfortable - but do you want to keep going if you're not 100% sure. There are big payoffs, but also big risks.
You can think about it all you want, but at some point, you'll have to ask him outright to be a little more vocal. Good luck.

At 1:30 PM EST, Blogger Ms Mac said...

You know, sometimes you just have to take a chance on the unknown.....

At 7:43 AM EST, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Well, I can tell you for a fact not to let the difference in age deter your plans with this guy. My husband is 14 years older than me (we started dating when I was 20...he was 34) and we've been married almost 13 years. Of course, not all of those years were pleasant but you have to take the good with the bad in ANY relationship. Maybe you won't like his accents in another couple years but that may be replaced by something you DO like.

I say go with what your heart tells you....;) Good luck!

At 3:49 PM EST, Blogger Katya said...

my hubby is 11 years older than me too, so age is no barrier...

At 11:01 PM EST, Blogger retarius said...

hi there...two things you MUST understand....A) you CANNOT change someone, no matter what you think. if you can't take them the exact way they are now, move on, they WILL NOT change. and 2) (yeah, i did that on purpose, i think its funny) it takes work on both sides, the "perfect" marriage is a myth, or a reality if you realize people have ups and downs, and they actually *DO* change, but not in the way you want them to. you might understand this, but does he? good luck.


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