Thursday, March 17, 2005

Follow Up to Last Weekend's Birthday Trip

**My html editor isn't working, so excuse the blandness of this.**

Well, last week I went with Jay on our big weekend away for his birthday. It was good overall. We had a great time and needed absolutely no space to ourselves in those 30 hours together. We went to a museum and an aquarium, both of which we really enjoyed. We had dinner at one of the sports places where you spend more on the video games than you did the meal. I actually really enjoyed the sports place, at least playing the games. We both had fun.

We did have some serious talk time. Basically, I asked some questions and explained what I was seeing going on with our relationship. He answered some of my questions, which explained some of the issues. For example, he is feeling guilty about the premarital sex. He's Catholic. Yet he has been having premarital sex for over 15 years. I was a bit perplexed. I asked if he thought his parents thought he was virgin at 40. He said yes, he did. Based on everything he said, here's my analysis. It seems that basically he feel guilty about the sex. That's why he never initiates. This way, he's the victim, not the pursuer. He would feel worse if he initiated. It also explains a bit of why he isn't very aggressive in bed.

However, we also talked about how tired he is. I asked him if he could try to get more sleep doing the week. I told him if I was that tired when my girlfriend wanted to make love, I would find a way to get more sleep. Some of this may be age-related, but I think the Catholic guilt factors in along with some possible medical issue. I think he may have low testerone, which could be the reason he takes a lot more work on my behalf to keep things happening. Of course, how do you bring that up? I told him I enjoy making love with him (and I do) and I asked him to talk to his doctor about his being tired. I am hoping he explains everything to the doctor, but we'll see.

I also gave him a bit more direction in bed than normal. He didn't seem to mind and did what I asked. So, I really liked the sex more this weekend.

Basically, I told him what I needed in order for this relationship to work. The most important thing I told him is that I want to be a preference. Jay doesn't have strong feelings on a lot of things. (e.g. ME: Where do you want to eat? Jay: It's up to you. I like everything.) I don't want to be the one he wants just because I am the one who is there. I want him to be passionate about me. I want him to want me as much as I want him. I want to feel special. I try to give him whatever he needs and make him feel good about himself.

If he cannot make these things happen, then I am not sure things will work out. He is away this week, but he did say he would miss me, which I thought was sweet.

Next month is the sixth month. This is where it get serious. I don't date someone I don't want to marry past the sixth month. I am getting too old to waste my time with someone who isn't going to work out.

6 Comments:

At 9:32 PM EST, Blogger amy said...

Wow, it sounds like you had both a fun and rather informative weekend. Kudos to you for saying where you see things going and for talking about the sex (that is usually sooo hard to do). I think your assessment about the Catholic thing is accurate, and I'm sure that takes a toll on his psyche. I've got a friend who's been having premarital sex for years, but she still has a guilt complex when it comes to really thinking about it and it prevents her from ever enjoying herself. Good luck as you approach the 6th month ... maybe things will really start looking up! I'll certainly keep my fingers crossed for ya!

 
At 7:41 AM EST, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Glad to hear you had a good time! And it sounds like you both got some things out in the open...good for you! :)

 
At 6:58 AM EST, Blogger Katya said...

it sounds like you two talked thru a lot of serious issues and he might still be taking it all in...

it sounds like you have made your mind up but are giving it another chance...just my opinion but men rarely change

i hope you can work it thru and be happy with or without him...

 
At 10:37 AM EST, Blogger An Extraordinary woman in a mediocre life said...

I agree with Kat, men very very rarely change, and even when the do its mostly temporary, they slip back into their old ways...
about the decision making; his inability or unwillingness to choose will start to drive you insane (speaking from experience) and so will the feeling that he's not passionate about you ie making you feel special etc...
Make sure you are getting what YOU want
xxxxx

 
At 6:57 PM EST, Blogger Jay said...

You could both start taking herbal supplements - they energize you and that might make a difference in the bedroom for him. 40 is still pretty young, after all.

 
At 10:57 AM EST, Blogger Tara said...

I'm not Catholic, but I was raised with it as my primary religious background and I too think your assessment is correct. The guilt is a hard thing to deal with and maintain.

I am so with you about the 6 month mark. It is good that you keep it in perspective instead of wasting your time. Life is way too short for games and uncertainty.

 

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