Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The One - He was Just Here!

Allen came into town two weekends ago, but I wasn't able to finish this post until today. Enjoy.

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In my opinion, he is the one. But, I am not it means what I think it does. Maybe he's the one I'll love forever, but not the one I will be involved with again. I still look at him with a certain amount of hunger and desire. He's just so amazing. His mind, his face, and his body -- it's like the first time I remember him in high school. I just never thought he was interested in me. I hotshot he was just unavailable. Untouchable. But, oh so attractive. I know my memory of him is now somewhat tainted.

I love it when he's around. He makes me happy. I even love doing errands with him - helping him pick our new clothes, check our furniture or pick new glasses. This man is seriously sexy. With the slight 5 o'clock shadow, his dark hair and those eyes just seem so soulful. And wow - can he fill out a suit.

I know I am definitely focusing on Allen. I also know it will fade to the background after he's been gone a few days. I try not to do this to myself, but I cannot help it.

Sunday, as we lay on the blanket beside the river, I felt such a draw to him. I don't think he feels the same which makes it worse. You know it hurts that he doesn't find me as attractive as he once did. And it's me, I know I've gained alt east 20 pounds since he last saw me naked and I'm self conscious about it. But, I did enjoy flirting with him, just remembering what it was like when we were together.

Plus, it's the whole bi-thing. Convential thought is that means twice the sex. But, for him that doesn't seem to be true a tall. He so picky that gender cannot be condition. H seems to be not really seeking, but just aware of who is around him. I think he is unaware of the effect he has on me, I am hoping anyway. When he told me that he was bisexual, it really did bother me at first. But, somehow, now it just doesn't seem to matter.

I can't stop myself from feeling the way I do. I can't help it. I don't know how to stop it. Sometimes I feel myself starting to slip. I just want to reach over and touch him. Some of this I can do, but I am careful in how I go about it. Most of the time, I really don't want him to know. I am somewhat embarrassed that I have been unable to move on. And I have to admit to a certain amount of fear that he will discover my feelings. I really fear him telling me directly that this is never going to happen. That would be more crushing, more anything than actually not knowing.

I really want him -- mostly I just want to be with him. I am not looking for our relationship to change, but I would love to add a more physical component to it. I do recognize that I am probably incapable of separating physical intimacy from the romance. I probably would end up taking that final leap of faith and fall in love -- then I would fall on my face.

But, oh how I am still so tempted. I've tasted the forbidden fruit and in some manner only hunger for more. Wow - I didn't realize I had considered so many aspects of this fantasy. Maybe I am starting to make it worse. I need to get off this topic and more on.

--long sigh--

And this too shall pass.

4 Comments:

At 3:01 PM EDT, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Ooo...that's a tough one. AnB you're right, it will pass. But until it does, I know it's got to be rough!

Hang in there...;)

 
At 11:30 PM EDT, Blogger Kristen said...

It's always the ones we can't "have," isn't it?

 
At 1:21 PM EDT, Blogger Jay said...

There's not a lot I can say. People just feel what they feel, even if they know it's not a good idea.

 
At 3:35 AM EDT, Blogger Magpie said...

hi, sorry i've not stopped by in the longest time, sounds like a tough situation, i hope things work out for you both...

*hugs*

 

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