Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The One - He was Just Here!

Allen came into town two weekends ago, but I wasn't able to finish this post until today. Enjoy.


In my opinion, he is the one. But, I am not it means what I think it does. Maybe he's the one I'll love forever, but not the one I will be involved with again. I still look at him with a certain amount of hunger and desire. He's just so amazing. His mind, his face, and his body -- it's like the first time I remember him in high school. I just never thought he was interested in me. I hotshot he was just unavailable. Untouchable. But, oh so attractive. I know my memory of him is now somewhat tainted.

I love it when he's around. He makes me happy. I even love doing errands with him - helping him pick our new clothes, check our furniture or pick new glasses. This man is seriously sexy. With the slight 5 o'clock shadow, his dark hair and those eyes just seem so soulful. And wow - can he fill out a suit.

I know I am definitely focusing on Allen. I also know it will fade to the background after he's been gone a few days. I try not to do this to myself, but I cannot help it.

Sunday, as we lay on the blanket beside the river, I felt such a draw to him. I don't think he feels the same which makes it worse. You know it hurts that he doesn't find me as attractive as he once did. And it's me, I know I've gained alt east 20 pounds since he last saw me naked and I'm self conscious about it. But, I did enjoy flirting with him, just remembering what it was like when we were together.

Plus, it's the whole bi-thing. Convential thought is that means twice the sex. But, for him that doesn't seem to be true a tall. He so picky that gender cannot be condition. H seems to be not really seeking, but just aware of who is around him. I think he is unaware of the effect he has on me, I am hoping anyway. When he told me that he was bisexual, it really did bother me at first. But, somehow, now it just doesn't seem to matter.

I can't stop myself from feeling the way I do. I can't help it. I don't know how to stop it. Sometimes I feel myself starting to slip. I just want to reach over and touch him. Some of this I can do, but I am careful in how I go about it. Most of the time, I really don't want him to know. I am somewhat embarrassed that I have been unable to move on. And I have to admit to a certain amount of fear that he will discover my feelings. I really fear him telling me directly that this is never going to happen. That would be more crushing, more anything than actually not knowing.

I really want him -- mostly I just want to be with him. I am not looking for our relationship to change, but I would love to add a more physical component to it. I do recognize that I am probably incapable of separating physical intimacy from the romance. I probably would end up taking that final leap of faith and fall in love -- then I would fall on my face.

But, oh how I am still so tempted. I've tasted the forbidden fruit and in some manner only hunger for more. Wow - I didn't realize I had considered so many aspects of this fantasy. Maybe I am starting to make it worse. I need to get off this topic and more on.

--long sigh--

And this too shall pass.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Guest Room Revived

Okay, since my roommate moved out in October, I've been trying to decide what to do with my guest room. It's just ugly.

I first redid the closet -- I knew what I wanted to do with it. Yes, I want people to be able to hang their clothese in there when they visit. But, I primarily wanted it to be a craft/wrapping/sewing/storage closet. So, I built these great shelves with molding on the front into the corner of the closet. Then, I shortened the hanging rod so it only extends halfway now. I then installed a few more hooks high up in the closet to hang my extra luggage. I hate hauling it down to the basement, only to haul it back up each time to pack.

I also picked out a new comforter. I really love it.

I ordered a new bed - it was on sale with free shipping!!

I also picked a wall color and started on the whole painting process.

However, I've hit a snag. The windows are new, but the frames are pieces of junk. I really hate them. But, noone seems to just remove the windows and put them back. At the same time, I wanted to change out the drywall about 3 feet all the way around. Well, I got one estimate - $1800. Can you believe that? And I am not even getting new windows -- just taking out the old ones, putting in a wood frame, and putting the old window back. There is no way I am paying that much. Supposedly, someone has a friend who may be able to help me. I hope so. That just seems crazy.

So, I am at somewhat of a standstill. I am going to finish painting the two walls without windows. Then, I am going to find someone to help me with the windows and drywall.

I've decided now that I am going to replace the drywall on the two walls with windows - it's like $600. Much more responsible and it will really make it look so much better. I've got another estimate tomorrow, so we'll see.

I'll post pictures soon!