Thursday, December 16, 2004

Office Holiday Celebrations

I love Christmas. I do. I love the trappings -- the music, the lights, the presents, all the good will and fun.

However, I cannot stand the way it works at the office. I work for the government - the federal government in Washington, D.C.. There is such a thing as separation of church and state. However, everywhere I look there are Christmas trees and Santas and all the trappings of Christmas.

I raised the topic when a couple people were talking around the secretary's desk. She just didn't understand what I was saying (not surprised, she's nice, but not well educated). Anyway, these people just seemed to have no clue on how to be inclusive. I was trying to explain and they just kept going on about a Christmas party and Christmas Luncheon and Christmas gift exchange. Finally, the newest boss overhead us and said I was right and we could have a winter holiday celebration, not Christmas. But, we still have all Christmas decorations.

I said why don't we just do snowflakes and winter scenes? Why can't we do a wall with information on lots of holidays? But, it's so easy for them to do it with just Christmas, they just don't have a clue. And management allows it to continue.

There are two Jews in my office and when I asked one of them, she said she is just used to it and ignores it. I feel like it's annoying and I'm sure she just doesn't want to make a fuss, but someone should. The entire building is like this. It's crazy.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Becoming an Blogging Addict

Okay, I am becoming about obsessive. I've spent like three hours of my day, reading other people's blogs and all I want to do it keep writing and reading more. I didn't realize this was going to become a problem.

I wonder if there are any studies on who blogs. For examples, what ages are most people? Why do they start blogging? Why do they continue? It doesn't seem that some blogs ever get read by anyone. Yet, they continue to do so. Of course, no one really reads mine, but that is the beauty of it to me. I have a crazy need to say things, but really no one needs to hear some of it. How often do people blog? What sort of things do they have in common? I.e. do many people like to read? Do many people work with computers? It's an amazing phenomenon, which until now I didn't understand the appeal.

When I mention I blog, I don't really want to tell them the name I blog under. I just say it's been interesting so far. I worry that I'll end up like that Congressional staffer -- of course, I'm not having sex for money with people on the hill, so it's not as big a deal. And I wouldn't want to say anything mean about other people -- what if they found out? It wouldn't be very nice and I don't like to be malicious. Plus, I can't afford to get fired.

Maybe this will help me keep my private life more private. J is in a business where secrecy and discretion are important. I'm not exactly very good at it, plus I feel like I just blab and I don't even mean everything I say.

I think subconsciously I feel that if I don't establish and keep connections with people, I'll disappear. I want to be a part of life -- a vibrant part. I don't want to get left behind or out of the loop. Childhood traumas I guess.

Jealous of My Best Friend - I Must Be Nuts

I have some of the best friends in the world. They are loyal and fun and they totally understand me. Sometimes better than I understand myself. And yes -- they know where all the bodies are buried.

Lately, I have been feeling jealous of B, the younger of my closest two best friends. B is a wonderful person. She can cook anything, dance great, and is like an encyclopedia of wierd knowledge. She's lost a ton of weight due to a medication change and hard work. She's always had flair. B is one of those women who seem to pull together the best outfits. She just knows how to make it work. And lately I feel inadequate and awkward when I'm out with her. She looks sensational and I feel like a blob next to her. My clothes aren't right, my hair's too big, I don't have on enough make-up or the right kind of make-up. It's not just looks. She seems to exude a confidence, whereas mine has disappeared.

Plus, I feel replaced in some ways by her. An old friend of mine, W, moved out here to DC about four years ago. W and I dated in college, before he came out. After he came out, we became thick as thieves and spent a ton of time together. I introducted him to B when he moved to D.C. because I didn't want him to be alone out here. And since then, B and W have been thicker than thieves. They go out every weekend to the gay bars. She loves to go out. They go out until 3 or 4 a.m. to the bars in downtown D.C. In college, I knew the local gay bar in our small Midwestern town so well that the bartender expected kisses when I came. I never paid cover and rarely paid for drinks. Now, I just don't feel like going out as much. I go a few times a year. But, I feel like she's in my place or spot in the group. It's wierd. W is such a great friend. He sensed some of my anxiety and even went as far to tell me that B would never replace me in his heart. So, I know I'm still there. It's insane to feel this way.

On top of this I feel like a jerk for being jealous. She has always been attractive. But, between the clothes, the weight loss, and her hair, she always looks amazing. I am glad for her. But, I feel at a loss sometimes for how to make myself feel better without downgrading her. Maybe she's growing into her looks and I'm growing out of mine.

I think the real problem is that I have not been feeling real attractive lately. I haven't had a serious relationship in three years. The last guy I fell for ended up being bisexual and our moment just seemed to pass over us. I am the oldest, umarried, non-child-producing grandchild on my mother's side of the family (and there is over 40 of us). So, it's not so much her, but me.

Even though I've been seeing J for about two months, he really isn't helping in this area. He never comments on the way I look or even looks at me that special way. (He looks, but he doesn't lear -- I'm not sure how to explain it.) He doesn't seem too interested in my body. I don't need a man to feel attractive. But, it certainly helps. I am hoping that this doesn't mean he doesn't find me attractive. But, it is enough to bring out my inner insecurities. Two months - no flowers, no presents, no "You look beautiful tonight." What's a girl to do?

So, now it's almost Christmas. We haven't been dating that long, but I'd like to get him something. General consensus among friends is that I should buy something that costs around $35. That's a fair amount -- shows I care, but it doesn't break the bank. I am not sure if I should warn him. I hinted yesterday that he was getting some gifts this weekend, referring mostly to the fact that I am planning a surprise date with him. He doesn't know what we are doing. And to be honest, I am not sure myself.

I would never say anything to B about what I am feeling because it's not her deal, but mine. I'm going to work on making myself feel more attractive and maybe that will help. Maybe some new clothes will help my attitude.

I know I need to make myself feel better, that noone can do it for me. I will have to spend some time thinking about this.

Monday, December 13, 2004


So, I'm over 30 and still unmarried. Not too concerned overall. I still think I am a pretty good catch and get better every day. In the past few years, I've bought a home, become a better cook and learned to sew and garden. I've become fairly domesticated. I'm smart, have a good educational background and am considered a decent conversationalist. I'm in decent shape, hitting the gym a couple times a week usually. When I was younger, I always had a boyfriend. I love men and I never really had a problem with them being attracted to me.

The availability and quality of the single men in the Washington DC area is amazingly poor. I have been amazed what is left out there. Overall, they are just not that great. All the good ones are either married or gay. Seriously. This is not a joke. I don't think I'm asking for too much. I want a single guy with no kids who's attractive (and attracted) to me, as tall as I am, kind, smart, and funny. He has to have a job. He has to like to travel and try new things. I just don't get this.

Right now, I've found one guy that I like. We've been dating almost two months. Let's call him "J." J is smart, funny and cute with a decent body. He's never been married. J has got a good job, which he loves. Sounds great right? But, he just acts not that into me physically. I just love having my hands on him. J says he is patient. If I try to talk about feelings, even about what feels good, then he says I talk too much. He makes a joke of it somewhat with comments like "you know men don't like too talk about this stuff." Occasionally, I can tell J is attracted to me - the way he holds me tight and pulls me close. But, it feels like he is holding himself back. Or he doesn't know what he is doing. That's always a possibility. I don't know what to do about it. If we can't talk about things, how are we ever going to move forward?

And I don't know what the expectations are -- are we dating exclusively - I have no idea. I don't need a label, but it does make it easier. Is he my boyfriend? I don't know. It muddles things for me.

Why can't people just be honest with how they feel. Is it so hard to just say "hey, I like you" or just "I want to spend more time with you." I feel I am honest and open with people about my feelings. I don't want to spend my life around someone I like and not tell them. Or again spend my time around someone who I don't like. The deal is I like him, I really like him.

If either person is feeling the relationship is not going to move forward, then they have an obligation to tell the other person. I only keep seeing a person who can at least envision possibly going to the next step with me. If J doesn't see any future for us, I need to know that. I am too old to waste time. If he's not interested then he needs to tell me. I can't stand all this uncertainty.

Dating sucks.