Off for our first weekend together
Well, tomorrow morning Jay and I are leaving for our first away trip together. We are planning to go to a museum, an aquarium, to see a parade, and dinner out. Keep your fingers crossed. I am a bit nervous as he's been a little distant this week.
He said he was excited about our trip, but I wonder with him. He of course only said this after I said I was excited, wasn't he. I don't know why I ask these questions.
I planned this for two reasons. One - he had a big birthday this month and no one made a fuss - a sin in my book. Two - I wanted to see how we would do this long together and in a different element. We always do the same things on our dates and I'm afraid of a rut when we've only dated 5 months.
He made a few comments this week that seemed to indicate I am overinvolved or care too much too early. I'm not exactly sure as it was vague to say the least. So, I didn't call him for three days. He called today to confirm plans for tomorrow, but didn't seem to notice. I hate having to do this. I feel like it's playing games and it's annoying. But, it seems to be what he wants.
Anyway, hopefully all will go well. I'll report in next week.
Fish or Cut Bait?
You know that feeling that comes with starting a new relationship? Everything about him is new and interesting. Every date provides a small piece of what seems like the largest jigsaw puzzle in the world. When you are still searching out the secrets to how he ticks. You haven't met his parents or many friends yet, so you really are in your own little world together. You smile just thinking of him, yet still puzzle over what he says or does. What did he mean by that? You can't read his face yet, so you have to look a bit harder than normal. You just want to eat and breathe him. It's the euphoria of a new relationship, the beginning of the beginning.
Well, I'm nearing the end of the beginning.
Most men would have no idea what that means. Specifically, we are reaching that place/time in the relationship when I must make a decision. You can wallow in the euphoria oblivious to the outside world for only so long. And when you're my age and you think you may want children someday, you need to fish or cut bait at about 4 to 6 months.
Well, it's been four months. I am definitely feeling a need to make a decision. I feel like something is supposed to happen. I can't afford to waste time on a relationship that is going nowhere. While I don't quite feel the clock ticking, I do know where the clock sits. I feel like if I lean just a little further forward, I'll hear my first tick.
Now, I'm not saying I want to definitely marry this guy, but I know I definitely don't want to NOT marry this guy. Make sense?
Basically, I'm like J. alot. I may even be falling for this guy. I enjoy him so much more than I ever thought I would. I've blogged about him before. He's great. He's nice, funny, has a great job that he loves, and he treats me well. He does the funniest accents and makes me laugh. He's a bit older than me, turning 40 this month.
He is very similar to my father. I've heard that most people end up with someone like one of their parents. How you ask? He's a bit gruff - not anywhere close to a metrosexual. He wears the flannel shirt. He doesn't like to talk about emotional stuff. He is also very easy to please -
no strong preferences on most things in life.
So, what the problem?
I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he is the one and he's not what I had envisioned for myself. I want someone who openly adores me. I know he likes me, but he doesn't adore me -- there's no whispers of "you look beautiful today" or "you are one sexy woman." There are no spur of the moment flowers. There aren't even special occasion flowers. I have to lead in some areas of our relationship or they just wouldn't happen.
I am afraid of spending my life with someone who really doesn't love me, but just likes me well enough. I don't want to be another
"no strong preference one way or another." I fear waking up 30 years from now with an old man with zero sex drive, who wants to spend all his time tinkering in his workshop, never talking to his wife.
Will I still think his accents are cute? Will I grow to resent never seeing my husband on Saturday afternoons every fall for 30 years because college football is on? Will it bother me that he has no strong preferences for most things in life?
I don't know. And I don't know if I have to know right now. I'm just beginning to panic slightly. I feel myself holding back from letting him know how I truly feel.
While we have been seeing each other steadily, I haven't met many of his friends and we've only gone out with my friends once. So, I haven't seen much of him in his natural setting. We went to a party at one friend's house just a few weeks ago. It was good. It was also very interesting to see how he acted in this situation.
Well, I've read and re-read this post over several days. Last week he was on travel for two days and I missed him. When I don't talk to him, I find myself just longing for his voice. When I hear his ring on my cell, I smile just knowing its him.
I do love him. There's no denying that. The rest I'll just have to figure out later...
